You're sitting in a chair....in the sky!

This is Louis CK from an appearance on Conan. He is one funny dude.

My friend MK sent this to me months ago, and it's just been waiting patiently for me to share it with you.

I flew to Tampa, FL, two weeks ago for a trade show. If you want a true appreciation of how much we expect, the sense of entitlement we've bestowed upon ourselves, simply fly by yourself to a city you've never been before. Here's how myfirst day played out.....

1. I loaded my car and drove to a parking area near the airport where a man I've never met before picked up my luggage and transported me and my luggage to the American Airlines check in counter.
   
   
2. At the check in counter, two guys I've never met before looked at a paper print-out I brought from my office. They picked up my bag, put some magic numbers on it and put it on a conveyor belt. I didn't see the bag again until Tampa.
   
   
3. Inside the airport, a lady I've never met before scanned a barcode on my piece of paper and let me get on a plane, where a man I've never met before flew me...in the air... from Dallas, TX, to Tampa, FL. And while we flew, a nice lady I had never met before served me ice cold Diet Cokes.
   
   
4. At the Tampa airport, my luggage miraculously appeared before my eyes on a conveyor belt.
   
   
5. After collecting my luggage, I took it outside, where a guy I've never met before loaded me and my luggage into a yellow car, and took us both to the Intercontinental Hotel. By the way, I had no idea whatsoever of the address of the hotel.
   
   
6. When I got there, I handed my drivers license and a piece of plastic to a woman I've never met before. And she gave me a nice safe place to sleep and a place to hang my clothes.

Are you getting this? I went, by myself, all the way across the country and slept in a room with nice fluffy pillows, armed only with my drivers license, a print-out from Orbitz, a credit card, and a handful of dollar bills for tips and taxi.

I didn't know a single soul who helped me that day, but I expected nonetheless that each of those strangers would perform his or her function and my trip would go off without a hitch, which it did.

What a remarkable world we live in!!

Clorox Wipes and Lysol and Potty Covers....oh my!

We have this woman in our office who never fails to amaze me when she sneezes. She lets loose a full blown, snot flying ACHOO-echoing kind of sneeze. I've seen her stifle them in meetings, so I know she's physically capable of doing so. In general, when this woman sneezes, everyone hears it. And many in adjacent areas feel it.

There is no attempt to cover the sneeze or to come out with some little delicate "ah-choo" (or the "study hall sneeze" as my little sister used to call it). It's a big ugly nasty, loud, snotty affair.

I've been quite put out by this for the entire time we've worked together, but I can't really figure out a way to bring it to her attention that it's totally offensive to those of us who office near her to hear her shout ACHOO and see her blow spittle across the office without sounding snarky.

So I was a little shocked today when I walked into the ladies room in front of her. I headed in to my designated stall (yes, I have a favorite) and heard her file into a stall just down the row. At that point, the Toilet Cover Rustle began. You know the one - I've got to fish this potty cover out of its tissue box home and spread it on the potty so I can sit down on it. Rustle, tug, tug, rustle, spread, rustle.

REALLY?!?!

Let me make sure I understand this. The SNEEZER is worried about germs?

Trust me lady - my booty cooties ain't got nothing on your lung butter.

If you're so worried about germs, try sneezing into the crook of your arm. Or perhaps a tissue. Make an effort to protect us from your germs. Or for the love of all that's holy, don't attempt to protect yourself from ours.

It seems a bit out of line for me to point out to her that she's spreading a lot more germs when she sneezes than she's protecting herself from when she uses a potty cover. Maybe I just need to work on my delivery a little. Subtletly has never been my strong suit.

SNEEZER, if you somehow got ahold of this post and it hurt your feelings - so sorry. My bad. Someone should have pointed out to you gently a long time ago how bad it is to sneeze uncovered, especially in the land of Swine Flu and The Hygenically Correct. It's nasty. It's unsanitary. It's offensive. And it hurts your credibility as a professional.

In the meantime, I'm really glad to know you won't be picking up any nasty germs on your on your lady parts. We, on the other hand, will be walking around with your snot in our hair. Thanks a bunch for that.

Hello.....is anyone there??

Dear Right Brain,

Hey. I know you've had a rough summer, and I've tried to cut you some slack. Quite frankly, I feel like I've filled in the blanks pretty well. After all, I've kept up with all the scheduling tasks for the past three months. The bills have been paid on time. You and your family have gotten where they are supposed to be at the time they were supposed to be there - that's including soccer practice, soccer games, radiation treatments, doctors appointments, PTA meetings, boys day out, work, school, travel. Prescription medications were taken on time by the appropriate family member. Pets have received heartworm medication. The grocery list has magically appeared each week. And you know what? I'm freakin' done for awhile.

You have been curled up under your desk in your mental fetal position for long enough. You've not published a blog in weeks. You're not decorating cakes. You've not made a necklace in heaven only knows how long. It's time you just get over yourself. Put your big girl panties on and get back here and blog, for the love of all that is holy.

Some of your friends have been understated in their desire to see an update; some have been more outspoken. Regardless, this is your gig, not mine, so pull yourself together, sister.

Love,

Left Brain

Hello, all.....

Just wanted to pop in and say hello. I have lots to share with you, but not enough energy to sound witty or interesting. Snarky, mean, or just plain old unpleasant? I can pull that off. But witty or interesting? Not so much.

Here's the Cliff's Note version.... LittleG has started Kindergarten, Big Girl School, with BOYS in it. I am in the midst of PTA Board Member Boot Camp. LittleG has ventured in to the world of organized sports in the form of 5-year old soccer, which is about as close to herding cats as you can get without actual four-legged beasts.

I am just over halfway through with my radiation treatments. I am exhausted. And itchy. And blistered. And bitchy. And braless as often as possible. And still, I have 14 more treatments to go. Heaven only knows how bad I will be three weeks from now.

My big challenge this week is to figure out how I can go to LittleG's soccer tournament this weekend without a bra and not look like total white trash. Given that it's September in Texas, I'm thinking that the layered sweater approach is not going to work.

I've got a stack of books to read but not enough energy to follow a simple story line, or in some cases, a sentence. I am working my way slowly through one about lessons learned (and not learned) about breast cancer. It's struck a chord with me, and it's a shame I can't just sit down and knock it out in one sitting.

I am having a challenge at work that makes me very unhappy and I don't know what to do to fix it, or even if it can be fixed.

We have sort of adopted this crazy little dog and we are working him into our family. He's fitting fairly well, but adjusting to another living being is just another interesting turn of events for us.

My life sounds kind of like it sucks right now, but truly, it doesn't.

Did I mention my kid started school? And soccer? And that I've been entrusted to make school a better place for 900 kids? And that I have health insurance and a job to pay for it all?

School has been eye opening, and at turns, hysterical. Seems our LittleG is a tiny bit boy crazy. I don't for the life of me get where she gets THAT. But that's another blog.

My home life, new canine notwithstanding, has been pretty darn good. MrG has really stepped up and helped me when I've been too tired to function, letting me nap on weekends, and running taxi duty to and from school. He might just turn into a pretty good soccer dad, too. He doesn't coddle me, but he has been supportive, and dare I say it, nurturing. My sweet baby girl is at turns empathetic and caring, and totally self-absorbed, just as a five-year old should be. My mom, ever present, would do whatever I asked of her at the drop of a dime. My sister, from across the miles, channels energy to me and I feel it from afar, even when I'm too exhausted to let her know.

My friends continue to amaze me with their support and love. From random niceness at the office to an unexpected afternoon with my BFF last week, it's clear to me in every way that I'm not bearing the burden of this summer by myself. I have no way of telling them, without sounding patronizing, how much it means to me when they check on me, or when they leave me the hell alone when they get the vibe that what I need most is solitude. Somehow, they just know what I need, and they give it to me, again and again, asking nothing in return from me.

I have found the most ridiculous way to divert my mind....I'm playing Farmville and Farmtown on Facebook. It is absolutely inane to me that I am harvesting pretend crops and collecting pretend eggs from pretend chickens on a pretend farm with pretend money that I only pretended to earn. And yet, I am almost foolishly proud when I click in and see that I have a row of pretend squash to harvest. I guess it makes me feel like I am at least accomplishing something, when I feel like in real life, I'm missing the boat a lot of the time.

Soon, I hope, I will return from the land of pretend back into the land of reality. In the meantime, I am going to keep pretend farming my pretend crops, and do the best I can to keep my head above water.

It's probably good for all of you that I am as quiet as I am right now, because ohmygosh if I could form coherent thoughts, I would be ALL OVER the scandal that is POTUS speaking to the school children. Hopefully, when I do make it back to the land of the living, the subject will still be timely enough to debate. That will be worth waiting for!

Keep those cards and letters coming in. I'll be back next week. Or not.

Important Parenting Advice

LittleG is starting Kindergarten in two weeks, and I've been dunked head first into the What Not To Say in The Principal's Office pool....

Certain schools in our school district offer a Dual Language program for children, but the elementary school to which we are assigned is not one of them. Since our last name is Garcia, I feel like it might be a benefit for LittleG to learn a little Espanol. Since you can't get no Spanish teachin' in our 'hood, I do a little internet research and figure out which 'hood can teach my chula the mother tongue.

I trudge across town, notebook and checkbook in hand, to visit one of the campuses that does offer the program. I march my Caucasian (Irish/Scottish descent), blue eyed, freckle faced self into the principal's office, fully ready to write whatever size check it takes to get the office staff to approve our transfer to the predominatly Hispanic school. I figure between my lilly white skin tone and checkbook, I've got a pretty good shot at improving the English to Spanish ratio in Mrs K's Kindergarten class.

And that's when it goes downhill.

Lady Steele: Hello, nice offfice ladies.

Office Ladies: Hola, guera. {Hello white lady}

Lady Steele: I understand that your school pioneered this cutting edge dual language program and that the original dual language teacher is still on staff and teaching Kindergarteners.

Office Ladies: You are absolutely right! Clearly, you are one highly informed parent and you've thoroughly researched the program.

Lady Steele: Yes I am, and yes I have. And I AM. DESPERATE. TO. GET. MY. CHILD. INTO. YOUR. PROGRAM. I will do WHATEVER it takes to enroll her here.

Office Ladies: Lady Steele, how do you feel about the PTA? Drop your checkbook and step away! That's not going to work here.


And that's how I ended up serving on the Board of the PTA before my child even crossed the threshold of the school.

Truth be told, I am pretty excited about it. My real life gig has prepared me well for the challenges of whatever being the Chair of Donations and Special Projects will bring. I certainly am not afraid to ask for things, and good gawd y'all, the public schools in our 'burb have a long list of needs and wants.

So any of you out there whose children have NOT yet started school, please write the following phrase in BIG TALL LETTERS using the scented marker of your choice, then post it on every flat surface you come in contact with:

I will not, under any circumstances EVER utter the phrase,

"I will do whatever it takes" in the principal's office at school.

I can assure you that if you offer, they will take you up on it, and you will find yourself with an irrevocable seat on the elementary school PTA for the next five years. My mom (a teacher herself) is already predicting a meteoric rise to the top of the PTA food chain.

Peace out, friends. I gotta go buy some new pencils and scented markers.....

Four Women, 1 Man, 1 Tube of Krazy Glue

From the Krazy Glue® website:

Whatever you're making or repairing, there's an Instant Krazy Glue® formula or applicator to help you do the job - in an instant.

Meanwhile, from our friends at the Associated Press

WAUSAU, Wis. — A married man who planned to rendezvous with one of his handful of lovers at an eastern Wisconsin motel instead found himself bound, blindfolded and assaulted by a group of women out for revenge, according to court documents.

Four women, including his wife, eventually showed up to humiliate the man, who ended up with his penis glued to his stomach in a bizarre plot to punish him for a lover's quadrangle gone bad, according to the documents filed in Calumet County.

Now it's the women who face punishment, perhaps six years in prison, and at least one said Monday the story has gotten twisted and she's embarrassed.

"I am disturbed. I am upset. I am having a hard time handling life; an emotional wreck," Wendy Sewell, 43, of Kaukauna, said in a telephone interview from her home. "I am ashamed."

Sewell, Therese Ziemann, 48, of Menasha, Michelle Belliveau, 43, of Neenah, and the man's wife are charged with being party to false imprisonment, a felony. Ziemann also is charged with fourth-degree sexual assault.

The women are free on $200 cash bails. Investigators say all the women but Belliveau were romantically involved with the man. Online court records didn't list defense attorneys for any of the women Monday.

The Associated Press is not naming the man's wife to protect his identity as an alleged victim of sexual assault.

The women's plot for revenge unfolded last Thursday at the Lakeview Motel about 30 miles southwest of Green Bay in the tiny village of Stockbridge near the scenic shores of Lake Winnebago.

Criminal complaints filed Friday allege the man agreed to be bound with "sheer sheets" and blindfolded with a pillowcase for a "rub down" by Ziemann. She instead cut off his underwear with a scissors and summoned the others to the room with a text message.

Ziemann struck the man in the face, and used Krazy Glue to attach his penis to his stomach when the other women arrived, according to the complaints. The man told investigators he also was threatened with a gun. Ziemann told investigators she didn't have a gun but may have told the victim, "Do you know how much I want to shoot you?"

He started screaming and the women rushed off fearful that he could get loose and hurt them but allegedly took his wallet, vehicle and cell phone.

Ziemann told investigators she met the man online through Craigslist, fell in love and paid for his use of a room at the motel for the past two months. She said she gave him about $3,000. Then last Wednesday, she learned from the man's wife that he was married, had other girlfriends and was "using them for money." She expected the money to be repaid, according to the documents.

During Thursday's confrontation with the man, Ziemann told investigators Sewell asked him, "Which one do you love more?" and the man's wife made a derisive remark about him being scared.

The man got free from the bed by chewing through one of his bindings, went outside and borrowed a telephone from the motel owner to call police.


~ You no-good cheatin' bastards outta watch out fer yerselves. That's all I'm sayin'.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Peace out, friends, and be faithful.

Things that make you go 'hmmmmm

Turns out that my inner writer must be something of a lush. After I fed her a little white zin last night, she kept me awake, for a long long time, working on a series of posts I've been thinking about since March.....

With that in mind, I'm pretty sure we're back. Thanks for checking in. See you soon.